The Tears of My Heart
by Angel girl 4-ever
Summary: A very sad fic of mine. It's a rainy day and no one cares. Your friend's have abandoned you, your boyfriend left you, and you're left with nothing. In loving memory of a friend who died recently. DISCONTINUED FOR NOW!
1. Rain

Pitter

Patter

Pitter

Patter

The rain sounded outside my window.  I watched as it soaked everything in its path.

Pitter 

Patter

Pitter

Patter

Normally I was afraid of storms, but not now, now that he's left me.

Pitter 

Patter

Pitter

Patter

I reached out and touched the window, wishing I could be the rain.  How lovely would it be to have no worries what so ever?  All that you would be concerned about would be where you landed next.  A silent tear slipped down my face.  Why did he have to leave me?

*****

_"Hi __Darien__!"__ I cried as I came skipping down the path to meet him.  Today had been the worst day of my life.  I had gotten up late again, got to school later than I normally did, failed my math test, got detention, spilled ice cream all over my favorite top, got kicked out of the house for the night by my parents for failing another test, and lost all my money when it fell into the gutter.  Despite all that, I was happy, for I was always happy when __Darien__ was around.  Turning around, I gasped in shock.  His normally warm blue eyes were now a deep clouded black.  "Is something wrong?" I asked, concern in my voice._

_"Serena, I can't see you anymore" he states coldly, sending shivers down my spine.  My world came crashing down on me right then and there._

_"Why __Darien__?"__ I asked, my voice just a whisper.  Was it something I did? Something I said perhaps?  Tears formed in my eyes, ready to become unleashed at any time._

_"There you go again!  Stop being such an indolent crybaby Serena!  For goodness sakes you're sixteen already!  When are you going to grow up?!?!?"_

_"Grow up?" I asked puzzled._

_"Yes, grow up.  Honestly Serena, you're two years younger than me!  You fail all of your tests for crying out loud!  You can barely walk down the street without tripping, you're so darn klutzy!  To add to that, no matter how skinny you are, you eat enough for three people!  Do really expect me to hang around with you?"_

_"You don't mean that" I pleaded, despair in my voice._

_"I can and do" he replied harshly, turning his back towards me._

_"But what about our past?"__ I asked, fighting for what little I had left._

_"I can't be held down by our past Serena.  I need to live MY life the way I want to"_

_My tears threatened to spill down my cheeks, but I held them back.  I would not give him the satisfaction of letting him see me cry._

_"If that's how you feel" I said, composing myself for that while.  "Than good-bye and good riddance!" I cried as I turned around and walked away.  When I was out of site, I ran and ran as fast I could, my tears that had been held back so long quickly came loose.  _

_*****_

Going back, Darien stood, tears in his eyes.  

"I'm sorry…"

*****

Now here I am, sitting in my room.  Nothing mattered anymore.  Eating was no longer essential; in fact, I hadn't eaten since the day he left me and that was two days ago.  My stomach growled hungrily, but I paid no heed.  I just sat on bed, watching outside the window as the rain fell to the ground.

Pitter

Patter

Pitter

Patter

My mom tried calling me down for dinner again, but I ignored her.  I could tell she was getting worried as were the rest of my family, but it did not matter.  I just wanted to stay up here with my one true friend…myself.

*****

_"Gee Serena; you're such a Meatball Head!! I can't believe that you're my friend!" Raye shouted angrily at me as I showed up late for another study session._

_"Sorry Raye, it's just that…"_

_"Let me guess, you had detention again" Lita filled in, her words dripping with venom._

_"Yea, but…"_

_"Serena, it's been over an hour!!!  Do you have any idea how many minutes we've wasted just waiting for you?" Amy questioned, anger in her voice.  _

_"I'm sorry, but you see…"_

_"We don't want to hear it Serena!" Mina shouted, standing up.  "We're sick and tiered of your antics!!  We've taken a vote Serena, and we're kicking you out of the group" she declared as she took her seat again._

_'Kicked me out?" I thought in my head.  "But guys, you don't understand…"_

_"Save it Serena for someone who cares!" Raye shouted as she got up.  "Good-bye and good riddance!" she blazed as she pushed me out the door.  "You can come back when you're no longer an irresponsible klutz!"  With that, she shut the door in my face._

_*****_

"Do you think that was a good idea?" Mina asked after Raye closed the door.

"I don't know, but it's the only way we can get her to change" Raye replied.

"I just hope we're doing the right thing" Amy sighed.  "She has one of the biggest hearts I know"

"We can only pray that it will work out in the end" Lita stated silently, as they gazed out the window at the rain that had just started to fall.

*****

Why did things turn out like this?  Turning on the radio, I heard Evanescence's song Tourniquet come on.

I tried to kill the pain;  
but only brought more.  
I lay dying  
and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal.  
I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming.  
Am I too lost to be saved?  
Am I too lost?  
  
My God, my tourniquet,   
return to me salvation.  
My God, my tourniquet,   
return to me salvation.  
  
Do you remember me;   
Lost for so long?  
Will you be on the other side  
or will you forget me?  
I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming.  
Am I too lost to be saved?  
Am I too lost?  
  
My God, my tourniquet,   
return to me salvation.  
My God my tourniquet,   
return to me salvation.  
  
My wounds cry for the grave.  
My soul cries for deliverance.  
Will I be denied Christ?  
Tourniquet;   
my suicide.

As the song ended, I thought about how similar it was to my own feelings.  How ironic was it that this song was exactly what I was going through.  My friends before had been the one thing that had prevented me from bleeding like this, they were my tourniquet. The last word however, stayed ringing in my head though… _suicide.  _Looking at my clock, I noted that it was already eleven o'clock; everyone would be asleep by now.

Silently, I opened door and peered out; no one was there.  Quietly tiptoeing downstairs, I went straight for the kitchen.  My stomach yearned for me to go to the refrigerator and see what we had for leftovers, but I ignored it.  Instead, I headed for the drawer where we kept the knives.  Opening the door, I was greeted by a variety of shimmering silver metal, all deathly breathtaking.  Picking one up, I carefully examined it.  It had a long silver blade that seemed like an iron tooth. Turning it over, it seemed to shine with evil in the moonlight.  It begged for me to take it, do something with it, and so I did.  Finding a napkin, I wrote a note to my family.  Finally, lifting it above my chest, I caught one more flash of the evil iron tooth before I plunged it into my heart.

Pitter

Patter

Pitter

Patter

I heard the rain sound from outside.  Blood flowed steadily from my wound.  The rain began to lighten up as my breath became suddenly shallower. Closing me eyes, the world suddenly drew black. The rain slowly began to stop.

Pitter

Patter

Pitter

Patter

Just like my beating heart.

*sniff, sniff* I KNOW IT WAS SO SAD! BUT CUT ME SOME SLACK!!! I'VE READ SO MANY DEATH FICS AND I HAD A REALLY BAD DAY TODAY CUZ MY NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE WAS ON FIRE, SO I NEEDED TO TAKE MY SADNESS OUT SOMEHWERE.  


	2. Pain, Sorrow, Grief

Pain

Sorrow 

Grief

That's what showed all around.  Wherever you looked, you saw tears of sadness and pain.  It seemed like the entire town was here, all crowded into one small little building.  Of course, not everyone could fit, so there was a line outside that backed up past the street, maybe farther now.  I saw people of young and old, fat and thin, tall and short.  My heart wrenched to look at them, but I did anyways.  She was dead.  The love of my life was dead and there was nothing I could do, nothing that could be done.  And it was all my fault.

Pain

Sorrow

Grief

As I waited in line to see her, my Serena, I glanced around the room.  Displays were everywhere, representing her likes, memories, experiences, and so much more.  There were collages of her and her friends at sleepovers putting shaving cream on each other, her dressed up as a witch for Halloween, and then…..a picture of me and her sitting by the lake.  Tears welled in my eyes, but I held them back.  The line moved and I came upon a table of items she possessed.  A test of hers was framed, for it was her first math test she had gotten an A on.  Next to it was a milkshake from the Crown.  I smiled slightly to myself; it was just like Andrew to do something like that.  Bunny rabbits were everywhere, sprayed with glitter.  The line moved on and viewed more and more items of hers.  Then finally, I made it to the casket where she laid.  I was surprised to see that it was open.  Fear struck me and I didn't think I could look at her, but I did anyways.  She seemed so peaceful, just lying there…..but it didn't look anything like her.  Her normally golden hair was little less than a shine.  She looked paler than normal too.  The reason she looked so different though was because she wasn't smiling and laughing, making everyone happy.  Tears sprang to my eyes and I could no longer hold them back.  I had killed her, all because of some stupid dream.

*****

I had gone to see Serena at the wake yesterday with the girls.  I cried so much it hurt.  She looked nothing like her, nothing at all!  I saw so many people there, just wanting to get a glimpse of her to say good-bye for she enlightened the lives of so many people.  Her parents though, were the most distressed, but not as distressed as Sammy.  He was a wreck.  We cried together that night, him and I.  He told me that he thought it was all his fault; he was the one to blame; if he just would have been nicer….

I can't sleep.

I can't eat.

All I think about is my best friend, who I killed.

My mom expects me to be sad, but she's worried now.  I refuse to study, just like Serena did.  Although it has only been a day, I fell like I can't go on.  She was my first friend, the first one to see past my studious barrier and reach out to me.  Now though, she was gone, and I feel that I died with her.

*****

I should have seen this coming!! She was my best friend for crying out loud!!  I shouldn't have jumped on her like that….I killed her….I lost my best friend.  Sure, I have the other girls, but Serena was different, she made everyone else so happy.  Maybe that's why I teased her so much, because I was jealous.  I never had friends like she did; I was too scared that they would reject me for being different. Serena didn't though….she didn't.  I saw Darien at the wake yesterday, he showed no emotion, or at least, of what I saw.  He was cold and stern, just like the first time I met him.  Maybe that's what attracted me to him, he seemed to think that emotions shouldn't play a part in how you feel.  But now that's all different.  

Pain 

Sorrow

Grief

She's gone and so is a part of me too.

*****

I lost her!  She's…..NO! IT CAN'T BE!!! I just can't believe she killed herself.  She confessed to me….me of all people.  She told me about how different Darien was acting; she wanted to know if he still loved her, for after all, I am the Goddess of Love.  I told her yes….but now….I betrayed her, lied, deceived….EVERYTHING!!!  I should never have gone along with that stupid plan of Luna's….but I did, and it killed her.

Pain 

Sorrow

Grief

I feel Darien's pain the worse.  I don't know why he dumped her, but he did.  He was as cold as ice yesterday at the wake, but I could tell he wanted to make it seem like this wasn't affecting him….like he was some big macho man.  I stayed longer than the girls, I saw Darien cry when he saw Serena.  Her parents insisted on having an open casket so everyone could look at her and say good-bye one more time.  I'm worried a lot about everyone.  Raye is constantly sitting in front of the fire now, meditating.  Amy's stopped studying and is just sulking.  I saw her leave with Sammy yesterday.  Maybe that has something to do with it.  I haven't heard from Lita in a while.  She stayed longer too, comforting those who came.  I'm worried the most about her.  Serena was her first friend when she transferred here. I just hope she doesn't go back to her old ways.

Pain 

Sorrow 

Grief

Not only did we lose a friend yesterday, we lost our princess, the one we were supposed to protect…and Sailor Moon……………………there would be no more Sailor Moon.  I would be the leader now, just like back in the Silver Millennium.  I must be strong, but I feel I cannot.  I just wish she was here….

*****

Serena, you can't be dead!  You can't leave us here!  Please, pinch me and tell me that this is all a strange dream or something.  You looked so helpless lying there, all alone in that box.  Did you see everyone that came?  Did you see how many people you left behind?  Gosh Serena!!!  Can't you stop being selfish for one minute?

Pain

Sorrow

Grief

But that's not true; you were the most selfless person I knew.  You were my first friend; you broke through my wall of stone that surrounded my heart.  I remember how you would always freak out during lightening and thunder storms.  I used to laugh.  Lightening and thunder were my friends…..but you didn't believe me….or maybe you did, I don't know.  I think over half the town came to see you yesterday.  Ms. H came Serena, she was in tears.  Molly and Melvin came too.  Molly was a wreck, but she held herself better than Melvin who was balling all the way through the funeral home.  Today is your funeral.  Your mom asked me to be one of the guards who carried your casket.  I know it's unusual for a woman to do it, but she thought that you would have wanted it this way.  I know that it's my fault why you're gone.  I should have protected you…I should have been there….but I wasn't.  What are we going to do without you Serena?  How will we survive?  I just want you to be happy……..

*****

*sniff* In loving memory of Alex.  A lot of this chapter is based on his wake that I went to.  Please let me know if you think I should continue this sad story, if I should just stop.  If I were to continue, I'd write about the funeral next, then I would probably end it.  Let me know what you think…REVIEW!!

p.s. I don't own Sailor Moon….*sniff*


	3. Author's Note

Okay, this is just a note to everyone who's read my story.   Thanks to all, and I know that most of you have probably read my other stories Sweet Sixteen and Sweet Sixteen and a Half.  I will be continuing on Sweet Sixteen and a Half, and seeing that that's my number one priority right now, if I continue this story IF, then it will take me a little longer.

I'm not depressed any more about my friend's death, but I just want to try another style of writing.  I just want to insure that all of you know about this and understand everything.  So for all you SS ½ fans out there, I will be continuing the story, so DON'T WORRY!

Thanks all!

~Angel girl 4-ever


	4. My Love for You Will Never Die

The Tears of My Heart

Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon nor any allusions (reference items) in this story.

*****

It has been a month since she died, one month, one long, horrible and painful month.  The Negaverse is stronger than ever now.  Battles last forever without Sailor Moon there to dust it.  We're all battered and bruised, and each day more attacks occur.  The battles themselves would be easier if the scouts would cooperate.  Venus is the leader now, but no one cares.  Mars thinks she should be since she has the best psychic ability.  Jupiter thinks she should be leader since she's the strongest.  Mercury thinks that she should be leader since she's the wisest and the second scout to be found.  Luna and Artemis are nonexistent now.  Oh, they're alive, they just don't show themselves.  And then there's Rini, the pink haired munchkin that showed up around the same time my dreams started.  She's cute.  She reminds me a lot of Serena at times.  Maybe that's why I like her so much.  

_My love for you will never die_

A lot of things have changed since Serena left us.  Amy's gotten involved in her studies again and has forgotten about her social life.  She worried a lot of us for a while when she refused to study, but that quickly changed about a week after Serena's funeral.

_My love for you will never die_

Raye's locked herself in again at the temple.  She doesn't talk to anyone in her civilian form except Chad, her grandfather, and her pet crows, Phoebus and Demos.  I tried to talk to her one day, but she shut me out.  Her grandfather apologized for the way she was behaving.  He told me she was just sick, but I knew that that was a lie.  I also knew he was worried about her.  Chad was too.  It was obvious Chad had a thing for Raye.  He couldn't stand to see her like this.

_My love for you will never die_

Lita's gone back to the streets again.  She quit school about a week ago.  No one knew what had happened to her for the first couple of days.  Then the one day I was walking in the park, I saw her pound some guy when he wouldn't give her his money.  She took one look at me and ran.  I knew she was embarrassed to have had me seen that, but it didn't matter.  Nothing mattered.

_My love for you will never die_

Mina's gotten completely involved in sports and acting at her school.  On my morning jog, I came across her at the volleyball courts working on her serve, set, and spike.  It was only seven when I saw her.  Her normally peach face was flushed a tainted red.  Beads of sweat had formed all over her body.  The front of her gray tank top she was wearing was completely wet from all the sweat she had created.  By the sluggish way she moved, I could tell that she would collapse at any moment.  I didn't care though, so I continued on my way.

_My love for you will never die_

Rini's been different since Serena's died too.  In fact, I think she's been the one whose been most affected.  Her relationship with Serena was never a good one, they argued constantly, like cats and dogs.  It was sad to see a grown woman like Serena fight with a child, but that was just part of her charm.   When Serena died, on the day after the wake, she locked herself in Serena's room and refused to come out.  She had been sleeping over at a friend's house the night it happened.   Now that she is out, you could hardly tell that anything was wrong.  Her personality is the same…..but different.  It's almost as if she's forcing it now.  She seems to know something too, but it might be just me.  I feel sorry for her; she shouldn't have to experience this sort of thing at her age.

_My love for you will never die_

Even though it has been only a month after her death, everyone is still greatly affected by it.  Andrew's named his chocolate sundaes after her.  They're called _Serena's Chocolate Shakes.  Not that it's a very creative name, but it's been a big hit.  Every shake sold, part of the profits goes to help pay toward Serena's funeral and burial expenses.  I buy one every single time I go into the arcade._

_My love for you will never die_

I miss her so much.  Today I'm going to go visit her again in the cemetery.  As I entered the cemetery, I began to walk east.  Bleakness was everywhere.  Different colors of gray, black, and white were found on all sides of me.  Spider webs hung off some of the larger gravestones, giving the place its eerie affect.  Walking on farther, I sweet smell greeted me, twisting its magic around me and pulling me on.  As I followed the scent, it started to grow stronger.  The bleakness seemed to melt away with each step.  Then I finally came to it, Serena's grave.  Bright flowers were strewn everywhere.  She had so many admirers.  Taking the bouquet of blood red roses I had brought with me, I walked over to her grave and with great care; I set the flowers next to the tombstone.  The red stood for the love I had for her; the blood she had shed for me to live; the blood she had shed because of me, to die.  Falling to my knees, I looked up at the tombstone at her grave.  It was an angel with long sweeping white hair, a beautifully carved white face with closed eyes and a silent mouth.  Its large wings spread out on either side of it, protecting the occupant below it.  Her alabaster hands were brought together to form a prayer.  Getting up, I gently brushed the dirt off of me.  Looking once more at the angel who watched my angel, a lonely tear slipped down my face and fell gently to the ground.  Turning around, I left the area, along with the welcoming scent and bright colors, only to be greeted by the bleakness once again.  Just remember this Serena: 

_My love for you will never die._

_*****_

I hope you enjoyed this chapter.  I know, I know, it's sad, but I'll try and make it better.  Right now, I'm just doing an inside perspective on the characters feelings.  Please review this story and let me know what you think!


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